Words, Words, Words: How Can We Say Goodbye?

Yesterday I was shopping at Costco with Jason and Eric when I got a call from my mom. In a shaky voice, she said, "Your dad has collapsed in the backyard. Could you call an ambulance?"

I called 911 right away, and Jason left Eric and me to hurry over to help. My parents live about 10 minutes from Costco, but the ambulance was already there when Jason arrived.

My mom's phone call hadn't come out of the blue. On Wednesday she had asked me to come and pick the blueberries in their yard because my dad wasn't feeling well. We had picked the blueberries the previous Friday and were more than happy to come and help--but my dad wasn't often sick, especially sick in bed.

My dad had been working on fixing a mo-ped in the carport the previous day (Tuesday) when we'd dropped by with some of our many homegrown cucumbers for Mom. Eric had gone to see Dad, and had told him he needed fresh air because the fumes from his work were pretty strong. It had been a hot, hot day, too--the fourth in a series of 30+-degree weather. So, we thought Dad had been suffering from heat stroke and toxic fumes. My mom had said he'd had some intense back spasms Tuesday night, but these had been soothed by a hot cloth and some Tylenol.

Thursday I texted Mom to see how Dad was doing, and she said he was a little better but still not able to do much. On Friday I called, and Mom said Dad was still sick in bed. She said he'd tried to drive that day, but that hadn't gone well.

Saturday morning I was wondering if I should let my sisters know that something was going on with Dad. I asked Jason what he thought, and he called Mom to see how things were going. Mom told him Dad was out in the garden picking the blueberries, so this seemed like a good sign. We went about our day, and then I got Mom's call just after 11 a.m.

With Jason gone to help Dad, Eric and I were stuck at Costco, and I decided to text my sisters. I explained that Dad had been sick for a few days and that Mom had called saying he'd collapsed. These are my messages that followed:

The ambulance is on its way to their house. They got off the phone with me to call Mom. Pray for Dad--I'm so worried for him.

Dad is being loaded into the ambulance--they think it's something with his heart.

(My sisters asked if he'd been alone outside.) I think he was alone. We'd called Mom this morning to see how Dad was, and she'd said he was picking blueberries--she must have gone to check on him.

Jason and Mom are coming to pick us up, then Mom is planning to go to the hospital. I'm not sure what will happen. (We weren't sure who would be allowed in the hospital because of COVID-19.)

(My sisters asked how Dad had looked.) I don't know yet--Mom just called and said he'd collapsed and asked me to call an ambulance. I'll find out more soon.

(My sisters asked if he'd been conscious.) He was conscious. Mom heard a crash and went to check. His speech was slurred. They said something is blocking his heart.

The ambulance was there before Jason. I'm going to go with Mom to the hospital.

Sheri and Tina both said they'd come as soon as possible. Tina and her family had been in the Kootneys with Ted's family, so they would have to spend most of the day driving home.

I'm at the hospital now with Mom. A social worker is coming to talk to us. They have us in a family waiting room.

(My sisters asked if I was still with Mom.) Yes, I'm still with Mom. She's pretty worried.

The social worker said they're working on getting him stable. She's going to try to get another update. She said they mentioned a pacemaker.

They're still trying to find out what happened.

He didn't have any chest pain that Mom knows of. His blood pressure was very low from his diet.

Not stable yet.

Still not stable--lots of doctors and nurses working on him.

Sheri--if you come into Emergency, they can probably bring you to us. Family Room 2.

(Sheri said she was almost off the freeway.) Sheri--come in as soon as you can.

(My sisters asked what was going on.) Dad is going to die. They haven't been able to resuscitate him, and they're going to turn off the CPR machine. He has had a massive heart attack.

They have turned it off.

Mom and Sheri are with him now. I saw his face and had to leave right away.

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This all took place over about an hour and a half. We were in shock, disbelief, heartache and pain.

My dad was only 75 years old, very active, health-conscious and full of life. When he left in the ambulance, he was talking, although with difficulty. Jason and my mom got to see him alive that one last time. When he got to the hospital, his blood pressure was too low to record. The doctor said they tried every possible way to save his life, but his heart was not responding. They said he'd suffered a massive heart attack--possibly Tuesday night--that had done irreparable damage: the top of his heart was no longer communicating with the bottom of his heart.

We are left with sadness and loss, as well as questions about how this could have happened.

We are so blessed to have had Dad close by for so many years, just down the road where we could walk to his house (and he could come walking in through our backyard gate) for three years when our kids were little.

He spent his life raising and caring for his family, sacrificing to give his daughters university educations and to ensure that we had every advantage he could possibly give us.

In recent years, he has fixed and built things at our house, helped with our garden, taught our kids to play chess, painted portraits of all our kids, made us laugh, helped Jason change the oil on our van, taught us to make chocolate Christmas mice and Finnish "slippers," cried when Janae has played her violin, picked the kids up from school when I've been sick, given us everything from ripe bananas for baking to toys he thinks the kids will like, taught the kids how to shoot a bow, listened with enthusiasm to the kids singing or playing instruments, worried about us whenever we went away, come to Alaina's class Grandparents' Day and Eric's preschool graduation, always tried to get us to stay longer when we had to leave.... The list will go on and on as we realize all the ways we miss him. How can he be gone? He has just always been there.

We love him so much, and we will miss him every day.